My Birth Healing Visionary (BLOG) begins with my intimate childbirth story of great fear and great joy. I promise this will be the longest of them all! We all have a birth story to share. This is how Birth Healing Services was inspired and ignited into formed. Thank you for reading and sharing!
Birth Story by video:
My pregnancy was an extraordinary and ordinary experience. It was a journey of many challenges, inner growth, and lessons in adapting to my new body, new heightened emotions, and new spiritual awakenings. Everything was going great with no medical concerns or issues except for the extended nausea. Otherwise I ate nutritiously, exercised often (especially towards the end), had chiropractic care, acupuncture, and lots of rest and sleep.
I tuned into my pregnancy and learned the importance of paying attention to my intuition and following my self trust. A trusted heart is the breath of living and being for me. I trust my body to birth and trust my intuition to guide me along the way, but with that I still had fears come up and worked to create balance. I only read one book called Birthing From Within and made sure to not get polluted by the media, negative people, or opinions during my sacred time of gestation into creation.
With so many birth options from hospital birth, home birth, center birth, and unassisted birth; I choose to follow my heart. Home birth was my first and only choice. I never thought of a hospital birth because it did not feel right and my past of hospital visits growing up was never positive. I find it hard to see hospitals as place of birth along side all that sickness and disease. I have only witnessed it as a place of great sadness, raging anger, and fear. Having a hospital birth experience was never in my birth plan nor was I prepared for it.
I kept my homebirth choice private because many were not open about it and I did not know many that were home birthing. I trusted my heart and wanted little intervention at home. I had a wonderful team of midwives who I ended up seeing over the 10 months of pregnancy. I could not foresee the birth unfolding beyond my safe and loving home. I had the perfect place to birth my baby and it was my healing room. My healing room was a special room in my home that was nooked into the mountain side that was filled with spiritual energy of books, relics, candles, angels, masters, and crystals. My birth tub fit perfectly in it for the wishes of a water birth. The healing room became a temporary birth room. I had no other options in my unwritten birth plan, but to give birth at “home sweet home”.
What I learned is that no one can fully understand labor and birth like the person in it. It is an experience that words can never capture. For me it was a quiet inward journey that was uniquely crafted by me and my ancient lineage of other birthing women before. Of course labor started when I was alone and my husband at work. The labor was slow and steady and soon enough I discovered why it was called labor. The rumbling in my lower body made me aware of it and it continued over 3 days. I was able to ride the waves of each contraction, while my muscles in my legs and arms held the energy together as I felt this surge of lighting run through my body. I would clench my body and breathe deeply in each wave. As labor progressed I wanted no food and no sleep because my uterus kept me actively alert with my son getting ready to be born. The energy grew stronger and stronger; I entered an altered state, where sleep did not seem to exist nor the room around me. I was silently initiated into the birthing dimension where life is met and mother and baby merge in the outside world.
The homebirth was progressing perfectly. The midwives arrived to drop off the tub and to later come back when labor was stronger. The warm water was amazing! I could not get enough soothing and relief from it. My husband stayed close to support my experience of labor with light touch and loving words. My friend Karen, who I call my labor coach/spiritual doula provided that sacred feminine gentleness and loving compassion that is needed during labor into birth. Something I feel all women need and deserve in birth. My midwife Katie arrived with two heart centered apprentices Heather and Debbie, who took care of me with close interactions and supportive waiting.
As the midwives made their visits throughout the day they suggested that I get some sleep so that I would be able to deliver my baby. They suggested hypnosis. I had a wonderful woman Luree, who I call the hypnosis whisper. Her aura embodied the grace of hypnosis and brought ease and peace into my mind and body. She took me to a state where suffering and pain did not exist by the use of her melodic voice and deeply calming reassurance. She seduced my “pain mind” into riding the electric waves of labor. She was my spiritual epidural and very grateful for the guidance.
After hypnosis my contractions continued, but I was able to sleep, while having contractions. When I awoke I worked through each contraction in my rocking glider chair, used gentle walking, and my favorite of all was the warm soothing birthing tub. I made many trips in and out for the tub. As the hours slowly passed I had images of me going into an earth cave made of mud. In this mud cave the tribal women placed me into a muddy nook where my birth must progress alone. I could feel the warmth and support of the earth as I laid in a nude fetal position. My altered state kept me close to the pain and my visions of a supported labor.
My mucus plug dropped out after a warm soak in tub and I was dilating continuously. Late on my water broke in the water tub with a warm gush. I continued to deeply breathe through each contraction with little resting time. I began to create some earthly grunts in each push. As I felt the urge to push with each contraction I could feel the need to bare down on my bottom. I went from lying on my back, which felt more painful to feeling guided to go into my hands and knees with legs spread where gravity helped me labor. I could feel his heavy big head deep, deep inside as I explored the vaginal canal with my hand. I also felt something else and asked the midwives about it. No investigation or concerns from my team. I thought maybe it was an arm or umbilical cord. It was fleshy and soft. I voiced out loud and was told that was not possible for it to be an arm or cord. The midwife assured me that it could be neither. That is when my birth shifted in great energy with fear and power. Blood slowly started to fill the tub and I did not feel any different, but was told quickly to get out and go to the bedroom.
I was confused on why I was now laying on my belly in my bed and heard the midwife tell the apprentice to call 911 for an ambulance. I heard the midwife saying that I may have placenta previa, which if true means that my baby and I could die within minutes of giving birth. I was shocked to hear that and was in severe disbelief. I did not feel the panic like everyone else. I was feeling good about whatever was happening even in this negative energy. My poor husband thought he was going to lose his wife and child; something that most partners do not want to ever think about or visit. At this time I was told to stop pushing. Stop pushing! That is like telling me not to breathe because the urge to push was very powerful with each contraction. This is when my biggest fears were becoming my reality and that was going to the hospital. I would miss out birthing in my peaceful and relaxing home.
My private bedroom quickly filled with fire men and EMT’s to take me by ambulance. I kept my eyes closed to remain internal and connected. I somehow remained calm and connected with my baby. I was not in any panic because whatever this was that was happening was not going to shift me into external panic and a joining of energies with others consciously. I do recall that Heather the apprentice whispered in my ear to stay connected to my baby. She was right…that is all I needed and it was angelic advice. I knew with all my heart that my baby and I were safe and okay.
I was taken into the emergency room, where there was talk of a cesarean birth. I do not remember much of the ambulance ride or the ride inside the hospital. The medical staff of many men and women were doing stuff all around me and asking me questions, putting IV in, cushion on my legs, and more. It was not loving and caring at all. It was panic and fear all around me. Like dark spirits swirling around me trying to get me to follow them. I was fortunate to be clear headed enough to be involved in this supposed emergency situation. The doctor said I was being prepared for a cesarean. I felt like they were talking to someone else because I never imagined a cesarean was an option especially since I could feel my sons head in my vagina. The doctor asked me if I have every had anesthesia and it was needed for the cesarean. I was a witness to my words that came out of my mouth and said I was allergic to anesthesia. He decided to not do the cesarean.
I realized all the stories I heard throughout the many years of life about pregnancy and hospital birth interventions was all true. I was seeing it all happen and had truly felt like I was not allowed any choices and trying to be persuaded by medical team, who did not really know me at all. I was physically manipulated and treated like I was soulless. It was happening to me, but like many other women before me who may have felt powerless…I was not going to be. I asked questions when they were doing things and found some energy within to be alert and involved with my body.
The cesarean doctor was disappointed that he got called to a birth that was not going to happen and a new doctor took over. A nurse actually told the cesarean doctor to quiet his voice because the father (my husband), who was not allowed in the room and waiting by the door heard how the cesarean doctor was upset that he could not perform his job. Husband had to hold back from not attacking the doctor’s ignorance. The new doctor asked if anyone did a sonogram and no one did and once they did he said lets go to delivery room. He saw that I did not have placenta previa and that the baby was ready to be born. It was time to get me to the labor room. What was wrong? Not placenta previa? Then what was that fleshy tissue coming out of my vagina that left everyone puzzled? I was happy to get things going and celebrate this baby coming.
Finally, I was transferred to the labor room. My wishes of a natural vaginal birth were in the works. After being told to hold my baby inside for over at least an hour or more, it was time to push him out. I pushed two times and out he came. Baby Rain was born 7 pounds 10 ounces and 19 ½ inches. WOW! Look at that big head and all that hair! I made room for baby to be placed on my chest like they agreed, but they took him and left him next to me with my husband. He needed his mother and they were concerned by my need for internal stitches. They were overly concerned by his need to be washed. My husband stayed close with him and never left his side.
The doctor was nice, but not homebirth friendly. He stitched me up for 45 minutes with many stitches. It turns out that my vaginal muscles were being pushed out before the baby and it tore very badly. It was intramuscular tearing and possibly 3rd degree. I needed a skilled surgeon and I am thankful for that and my homebirth would have somehow lead me to the hospital at some point.
Not being able to hold Rain was very hard for my mama instincts. Thank love for my husband never leaving our son. Hospitals have many rules and we refused tests and interventions that did not fit into our personal philosophy. We also signed out of hospital care early because our midwife team was the primary prenatal care. They did not like us signing out and that is another story of child services coming knocking on the door. We cleared it all up and worked on our recovery and family bonding. The hospital served its purpose and for that we were greatly appreciative. I am thankful for the special skills of this certain doctor, but not his uneducated reaction on homebirth. We also appreciated all the excellent prenatal care by The Sanctuary Birth and Family Wellness Center by all staff.
My homebirth transfer brought me into deep fear and emotional issues that came in postpartum. No one ever says postpartum is easy. It is harder when you experience birth trauma or depression. My trauma was not only a psychological trauma of transfer, but the physical trauma of my pelvic floor. I needed some spiritual and psychological healing and I was offered a rebirth by my midwife Katie. The rebirth was amazing and something every woman should experience if left with a traumatic birth experience or lost sense of self after a negative birth. The rebirth filled in the spaces of sorrow with wholeness, hope, and love. A rebirth gives one an opportunity to reenact the original birth with the same people in the same way, but with a different outcome. I know I could not go back in time and change my birth, but what I do to move forward into wellness and healing is needed to transform for the future. In my rebirth I got to recreate a new experience throughout my cellular body and into my mind and heart.
My midwife typically offers rebirths for women who have had emergency cesarean births. She saw how upset I was about my invasive birth and offered it to me. I had been processing it for many days after with tears, sadness, confusion, and physical pain. At the same time trying to be available and present to my newborn. I struggled to find balance and peace within.
The rebirth began with the midwife team filling up the birthing tub with water. My friends arrived to support my energy and experience with deep love and holding a space of healing. Karen my goddess friend at the original birth came to support the rebirth and heal herself along the way by it. Karen is beyond family and she is Rain’s godmother or “god mama.” In addition my friend Alex came to contribute her energy of great ease and healing, who I wanted at the original birth. She loves birth and supports that sacred birth within and has had hospital births and an unassisted birth.
The rebirth brought many feelings up of course. I was nervous to reenact being in labor since only seven weeks earlier it was really happening. I got into the inflatable birth tub and was instructed to close my eyes and take breaths of self awareness. The head midwife led me through a meditation that brought feelings and emotions to surface. She brought me into my body. It felt so different being in the tub without labor or pain.
The midwife and my husband both held Rain wrapped up in a blanket that represented the placenta. My husband and the midwife gently lowered him into the tub. She brought him close to my lower body and I reached to pull him up onto my chest from his paisley blanket or “cozy placenta”. He was so quiet and my eyes filled with tears. I held him deeply into my chest where my husband sat behind me like before. We laughed together and talked about our baby Rain.
My midwife, the apprentices, and dear friends all left the healing room. My husband and I were instructed to be together alone with our son to experience that missed bonding time. We later left the room for our bed. The midwife and apprentice wrapped a blue shawl over sections of my body parts and said words of blessing and healing love. In those words they pulled the shawl opposite ends to leave that feeling in my body. The rebirth was a powerfully enlightening addition towards my emotional and spiritual wellness. It offered me more then I could have imagined.
We all have a birth story. Birthing Rain has inspired me to not only dream about achievements, but to act upon it with my whole heart. He taught me courage to expand and trust the path that leads to light. Fast forward to 4 years later I have grown with great compassion and empathy for birthing mothers, the wisdom of a baby, and love for the sacred feminine. Our fears teach us and guide us to find our light and it usually comes in unexpected ways and sometimes good and other times not good. This is my home birth transfer and rebirth story. Thank you!